Learning to Let Go

I am a Type A person.

I like control.

I like to be in control. Its one reason I don't fly. I am obviously better equipped (and safer) to fly a plane than a highly trained pilot. Right?

Wrong.

I also don't really want to let others "do my job".

I chose to have all these kids. I dreamed of being a parent but that dream never had clips of a child with a disability. It also never had clips of 5 kids. Sure, growing up I had diaries with baby names. They all began with the letter "K" and I knew I would marry and stay in quaint Ridgefield. None of that came true...except the dream of being a parent sans the disability.

I don't have any "K" names and I don't live in quaint Ridgefield married to my best friend whom I had a pact with if we both didn't find another soul mate (he found a great girl, I found an amazing man).

When we came to New Jersey, that Type A Chick checked in and turned away so many. I was good enough at setting up some crazy barrier that the first four years we found it hard to find any friends and I was insistent that it wasn't me. That was until this year.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am who I am. I am a mess posting pictures of yoga swings (yes, I was that innocent) and being transparent enough to know that I am not near perfect instead I am a work in progress. I am a work trying my best but needing others and that mess of a person, not buttoned up and perfect seems to be having a better life than the life I originally dreamed about.

Today I was yet again reminded of how blessed I am. I was grateful to be invited to a friends home for the 4th. It had been years since that had happened and honestly I considered cancelling because...well truth be told, I was scared. I was scared that who I was wouldn't be good enough. I was scared my kiddos who were struggling would embarrass me (Jude is a work in progress). I was scared that I wouldn't be true to who I really am but I was and it was okay. It was more than okay. It felt good and it felt safe.

I am 38 and only just now beginning to allow myself to accept who I am. I am a mess of a mom with a hot mess of a body and kids that are no where near perfect but I am also a mom who knows that I want what is best for my children. I will also give to any of my friends and their children and I will give my all.

Tonight as we prepared to leave that party early (due to the work in progress), I was approached by another mom. She introduced herself to me and offered to take my oldest while another mom offered to take my next two in line. I let go. I knew I needed them to help me be who my kids needed...a mom who isn't perfect, who admits she needs help and who is doing all she can to give her best to her family.

That my friends, is freeing.

Tonight as I end the 4th of July its probably my favorite ever. It wasn't perfect. I had to have a long chat with the work in progress about choices and behavior and I am up having a cold glass of Pink Moscato as I listen to the fireworks in the distance and tonight I know I couldn't be who my kids needed but my village could and letting them be who my kids needed reminded me when we let go we are truly blessed by the gifts others share.

Have a night of messes friends. Accept the mess you are and allow yourself to be present in who that person is because chances are my friends that mess is a gift to others.

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