Worst Daughter In Law Ever...

Survey says?

Ellie.

No joke.

Tonight we spent nearly an hour on Facetime with my mother in law. My mother in law is probably one of the most giving, loving women you will ever meet. She's quirky and eclectic and everything I am not. She raised my husband and to her, I am grateful.

Tonight she asked a number of times to visit. Could she be my "uber" for my kids? Could she sell her house and move to New Jersey to antagonize me? In reality she was kidding but as I sat listening I heard what she needed. She needed to be included and in the last year, I haven't. I have not invited her out. I have not had her at our home...and why? Because Autism.

You see, my Mother In Law, this loving, give you the shirt off her back type of woman is a retired severely mentally and physically impaired teacher and when I told her about Seraphina and her diagnosis, her response was...."I thought so". She said she felt she had trouble connecting with Serrie and thought something wasn't right.

As with many mother-daughter-in-law relationships we have had our moments. Some have been less than perfect in fact some have been down right ugly. I am not proud of that but as a mother I am starting to understand where she comes from.

She comes from a place of love. Here I am, a woman who met her son and took him away from her. We spent holidays with my family and while she finished raising the boys behind my husband I began my family and her son was the most important part.

What am I afraid of?

To be honest? I am afraid of being judged. She's got degrees and experience in special education and though she would NEVER mean to hurt me, right now I am so fragile with Seraphina and her growth that one incorrect word could shatter my outer core. I am afraid that she will blame me. I am afraid of what her words will say and how they will impact me and our relationship.

I know, truth is she probably wouldn't mean to ever hurt me but truth is its easier to keep those ugly moments of Seraphina private. Its easier to pretend that all is well and we are always moving forward. I get it. She loves her son. She loves her 6 grand children (Colin's brother has a baby) but still I fear. I worry. I wonder.

Tonight I sit here after hanging up and know what she needs. She needs connection. She needs to see the kids. She needs to be present in their life and who am I to keep her from that? Unless, I am in fact the worst daughter in law ever.....

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