I'm Happy For You, Really, I Am
To my mom friend who shared a pregnancy. I am happy for you. I love looking at your photos and seeing your children. Our children, the ones we shared a pregnancy for are nearly 4 now. They are little people learning so much and growing so quickly. I watch as you share your videos and photos and I remember back to my own typical kiddos. I think about how they learned and how the rush of joy washed over me.
I am still happy. Happy for you. Happy for what I had and happy for what I have now but I am sorry.
I am sorry if I am quiet.
I am sorry if I don't comment as much as you would like or as much as you expect. You see, that joy I have for you, its there. It truly is but the pain I feel is too.
We are getting into Daddy Daughter Dances and dance recitals. As I dressed my own typical kiddos for a special night with dad, I wondered if my own sweet girl would ever attend? Would the noise be too much? Would the smells be overpowering? Would the foods be too tempting and placing her in that space may not be right for her? I look at your lovies dressed for their first recital. I wonder if I will ever get my own? I know how much my daughter loves to dance. She loves it more than I can express in words. Each week, even when she's off, uncomfortable and out of sorts, when you put her into her dance class, with her amazing dance teacher, she is at peace. Will she be able to dance with your sweet child? Will she understand the moves? Will she ruin your child's first recital? I wonder about all of this? I question every moment.
You hear me say I am happy and then I mention pain. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. I have already been told she may not be able to receive Communion. As I am a week from my third child's First Holy Communion, I recognize that this may be the last time I place a veil on my little one's head because you see, the church we attend has already told me that she may not be able to receive communion. Why? They fear she won't have the cognitive ability to understand the gift she is to receive. Watching. Waiting. Wondering. I have pain.
I sincerely love the pictures and I love to share mine because those big moments you have remind me of the little steps we take. Those steps are being taken. Just this week I was elated as I asked my child "what do you want for lunch?" She was able to respond. She responded in a full sentence, correctly. She at Cheerios for lunch. I didn't care that it wasn't a lunch food. It was a step. However sometimes when I see those pictures, the ones where I see where your little one is, its a reminder of where my little one isn't and where she may never be. When I see your trips on vacation or to the zoo where you are all laughing and smiling, I smile watching but also wish I had that for my family. My family did had it and how I forgot to relish in the moments. Do that for me. Take the moment to breathe it in. Take the time to really acknowledge how blessed you are to have a typical child. How selfish I was to never realize it. How blessed I am to have the opportunity to grow in this life through my child's diagnosis.
Last week I had a peek as to what it was to have a child who was typical. We had a vacation at Busch Gardens and though we had blue wrist bands that let everyone know one of us was disabled, I watched and found joy in the moments. I watched as my daughter delighted in the rides. I smiled as my oldest children took her hands and guided her through those inaugural rides where she begins to find joy in the sensory input she craves so much and I was reminded perhaps as I watch you, you are watching and learning from me too.