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Showing posts from April, 2017

I'm Happy For You, Really, I Am

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To my mom friend who shared a pregnancy. I am happy for you. I love looking at your photos and seeing your children. Our children, the ones we shared a pregnancy for are nearly 4 now. They are little people learning so much and growing so quickly. I watch as you share your videos and photos and I remember back to my own typical kiddos. I think about how they learned and how the rush of joy washed over me.

I am still happy. Happy for you. Happy for what I had and happy for what I have now but I am sorry.

I am sorry if I am quiet.

I am sorry if I don't comment as much as you would like or as much as you expect. You see, that joy I have for you, its there. It truly is but the pain I feel is too.

We are getting into Daddy Daughter Dances and dance recitals. As I dressed my own typical kiddos for a special night with dad, I wondered if my own sweet girl would ever attend? Would the noise be too much? Would the smells be overpowering? Would the foods be too tempting and placing her in …

If You Don't Understand

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If you see my child there and she's acting in a way you have never seen, you may not understand. Its okay. I don't fault you. I don't fault you for not understanding when she screams if someone comes to close to her. I don't fault you for not "getting it" when I share how my whirlwind went through the house destroying every room to look for one specific baby she couldn't find. I don't expect you to understand why my child may have bitten me, kicked me or pulled my hair and how I can be calm and at ease about it. I didn't understand either.

Just a few short years ago, I was in your shoes. I watched as I saw a child spinning like a top outside the playground and shook my head. I didn't understand. Even having a mother who taught special needs children, I didn't get it. I feared the unknown. Even working with disabled children at camps, I didn't really get it. They went home at the end of the day. I was certain I could do it better. I wa…

Worst Daughter In Law Ever...

Survey says?

Ellie.

No joke.

Tonight we spent nearly an hour on Facetime with my mother in law. My mother in law is probably one of the most giving, loving women you will ever meet. She's quirky and eclectic and everything I am not. She raised my husband and to her, I am grateful.

Tonight she asked a number of times to visit. Could she be my "uber" for my kids? Could she sell her house and move to New Jersey to antagonize me? In reality she was kidding but as I sat listening I heard what she needed. She needed to be included and in the last year, I haven't. I have not invited her out. I have not had her at our home...and why? Because Autism.

You see, my Mother In Law, this loving, give you the shirt off her back type of woman is a retired severely mentally and physically impaired teacher and when I told her about Seraphina and her diagnosis, her response was...."I thought so". She said she felt she had trouble connecting with Serrie and thought something wa…

The Feared Word: Regression

Tonight I was out laughing the evening away with some neighbors while my husband was home with four of our kids. It has not been the easiest day.

There were vet visits and therapy moments and trying to understand what our sweet Serrie wanted but the wave came to a crest when my second born was put on the #2 team for travel basketball. This girl who faces so much with strength and stamina sat in my car knowing she was placed correctly but wishing she was placed differently had tears streaming down her. I think the night wouldn't have been so very bad had the mean girl incident in gym never happened. I was ready to go home, settle her into bed after a pep talk about choosing to let losing defeat us or make us stronger but then I wondered could I really be done?

A glass of wine seemed to be the perfect way to end the evening after having just finished comforting said 10 year old I asked my husband, "how was Serrie tonight?" He sighed. I hate when he sighs. He sighs when he …