The Fork in the Road

They say there are forks in the road and while I have an insane memory and ability to recall just about everything that happens in my life. I guess that is a warning...kidding.

In any case this week I came upon yet another fork.

Last year at this time I was asking anyone and everyone if Seraphina had autism and no matter who I asked, the answer was the same, or generally the same, don't worry about it. She will catch up. There was still this nagging feeling that resided within me and something seemed not right. I tried to pull all the memories I had of Seraphina in the months leading up to last spring and she seemed different.

We all know the story plays out with her diagnosis after a number of doctors, evaluations by early intervention and of course that Mother's Retreat where I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to keep pushing that my intuition was right. How I sobbed as my friend strummed her guitar in adoration and how I buckled under the immense weight knowing that that diagnosis, those words would change my life forever.

They have.

They have changed all our lives, for when I catch glimpses of Seraphina before, I yearn to have those moments again, but honestly, they won't come back.

After two days of sobbing, wondering if I should rip up all her baby pictures, delete all her videos and just live purely in the world of autism I came upon that fork. I had a choice. Continue to live dwelling in what I lost or choose to live with the hope of where I can go.

I chose hope and though I won't pretend that some days will crush my will and ask me to try to survive on little sleep, little hope and little energy, I chose the path that points towards hope, its the one that relishes in the little notes that tell me my daughter said "hello" to teachers in the hallway or the one where I learned she identified Jesus on her teachers necklace (shhh...don't tell the BOE), or that she chose to dance with another child at circle time. I choose to focus on the moments in ABA when she sat and waited while I listened or learned something new or when I made it through the consignment store without an issue and the owner letting me know that she would never have guessed she had struggles.

On this path, the one that has hope written on it, I am also reminded of my voice, to speak for my experiences in the world of autism,to share the journey of a child not typical but a child who is loved. Wholly. As she was created.

This weekend, though I am wiped out (I now understand why my parents hated going out on weekends--they were wiped), I decided to stop hiding in our house in our family and instead decided its time to welcome others in for in welcoming them in they too are learning as we walk this path and we are learning that we must not walk the path alone.

As I sat in mass tonight our Pastor reminded us to give our lives to God. I really wanted to say, "nope, no thank you". I am truly a control freak personality but inside I knew that this was just affirmation on this journey we are walking.

This road is not one I would have taken had I known the bumps, bruises and boulders in my way but it is one that will make me stronger and more compassionate and in this world, who can't use that in their life.

This path I chose also lead me to choose to get rid of my Messy Blessy Momma Facebook page. Its not because I won't write or I don't want to write but sometimes when we write without consideration its not the message we want to get across so I will continue to write (as I work on this little book idea I have) but I will write with care...and it will be here on my blog, so for those who want to follow the path we take, join us...for in education and understanding we know how to make the world a better place for kids like Serrie.

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