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Showing posts from March, 2017

Its That Time

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When people don blue for all trying to live daily life with autism and though I participated in autism awareness events, I never understood. Honestly? You can't, unless you are wearing those shoes.

In the last year I have laced up, grabbed my best leggings and started trudging up the path that is now my life. A year ago, I was working to prepare a talk for a Mother's Retreat that I helped to organize through our then Church Parish. As I sat, my goal was to focus on clarity in the clutter. In the clutter I knew there was a nagging that something was not right. I knew there was a presence of a dark and dismal path that I needed to follow to find His path for me. What came about that weekend is nothing short of a miracle. I heard Him. For the first time in my life. I knew he had my path planned and a direction for me to follow. As I sat sobbing in a heap in adoration, my friend Gabby sang and played guitar beautifully and I had my answer, when I paused and pushed away the clutter…

Its Almost April

Its almost April, and for all its "Autism Awareness Month" but honestly in the last year every day is autism awareness in this house and how blessed I am to walk beside my daughter on her journey. Today my mentor, Jess posted an article that perfectly fit how I was feeling. As I read it and realized some people "celebrate" Autism Awareness Day, I don't celebrate. As I sit her I try to smile through the tears this year has put another perspective on autism that I never imagined would walk into my life.

We are about a year into her diagnosis and my friend Jess always reminds me the first year has the craziest ups and downs. Everything and anything you ever thought you knew about parenting, marriage, relationships and friendships is thrown out the window and you must wipe away and rebuild. You say hello to therapies, diagnosis' and hopefully new friends. You mourn, you laugh, you cry--the ugly cry. You research, you dig into as much as you can to best support …

The Fork in the Road

They say there are forks in the road and while I have an insane memory and ability to recall just about everything that happens in my life. I guess that is a warning...kidding.

In any case this week I came upon yet another fork.

Last year at this time I was asking anyone and everyone if Seraphina had autism and no matter who I asked, the answer was the same, or generally the same, don't worry about it. She will catch up. There was still this nagging feeling that resided within me and something seemed not right. I tried to pull all the memories I had of Seraphina in the months leading up to last spring and she seemed different.

We all know the story plays out with her diagnosis after a number of doctors, evaluations by early intervention and of course that Mother's Retreat where I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to keep pushing that my intuition was right. How I sobbed as my friend strummed her guitar in adoration and how I buckled under the immense weight knowing that that diagn…

Dear Teachers

I am that mom. I am the mom who calls and emails questioning everything that happens in your classroom. I want a birds eye view of what my little one does each day. I want to understand. I want to know. I wish I still had my little one home with me as I did with my older children, playing, working with them, living life as a toddler should. Instead, I shipped her off. I watched her step on a bus as I walked up to my house, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't look back as the bus honked because as it drove away, so did my dreams of having a typical child, a typical family.

I am the mom who is up at night. I wonder what my little one does at school. Is she scared? She can't tell you if she is. Is she hungry? She's just learning to say "I want a snack". I packed up my little love and trust that you will love her as only a mother could until she is safe in my arms.

Dear Teacher, I never meant to be this mom. I never chose to have a child with special needs that …

They Are Happy. Am I?

Last night I attended another SEPAC Meeting. What is SEPAC? Its the Special Education Parent Advisory Committee. They meet in the school a couple times a year and yesterday we listened as Seraphina's in home therapist spoke. She talked about autism. She talked about ABA (my favorite therapy) and she talked about children.

Autism has changed my life in ways I never expected. As I sat with my kiddos today I reminded them how this year has changed us all. Its asked a lot from us. Changes that we never anticipated and yet those changes have been put in place seamlessly and I believe that it was a greater plan than we can begin to understand.

Daily I comb Seraphina's communication "log". Its a PEC chart that has circles and as of our last IEP includes two daily notes about what our Serrie does each day so I can begin working on recall with her. Since her diagnosis, I have focused on her. I focused with intensity. I focused with drive. I focused with the desire of success …

You Are Enough

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Recently there have been a number of viral posts for mothers. They begin something like...."you are enough". I have read them. All of them because quite frankly, being a mom today leads us to believe no matter what we do, we are NOT good enough. 
It is apparent to me with the number of posts circulating this must be a growing trend of mothers questioning themselves, questioning who they are for their kids and questioning other mothers as well.
Today, unlike in days past mothers are balancing so much. In the quiet moments of the night many sit awake wondering if they are making the best decision for their children. Many work. Many stay home. Both have their challenges. Do you find yourself a better mother working? Can you make it on one income? Are you willing to give your entire self to being home? There is so much in that one single decision that I believe we all second guess ourselves. For me, its often seasonally if not monthly, weekly or even daily. Some question more t…

Autism Solidified Our Team

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I have always been steadfast in my belief that God gives us challenges not just to make us understand ourselves but to grow ourselves in life. Prior to Simone's birth, exceptionally pregnant, God placed a cross in our path that almost broke us. Through prayer and faith we grew. Our marriage strengthened and we became renewed. There was no magic, there was no trick, it was hard work, evident on both our parts.

Fast forward there was the loss of Zoe. Again, as I wept in bed my husband labored caring for our kids just long enough for me to emotionally return and then when a few days had passed he reminded me I had to get up, I had to move forward and I had to find the good in each day.

Colin and I met when we were young. He was a carefree frat boy who loved partying and I was an emotional sorority girl. We have changed a lot but not more than we have in the last year. There have been nights we have gone to bed and my emotion consumed me as I wondered why he didn't feel the pain a…