What If?

Tonight I went out. It wasn't my typical Moms Night out with my safe girls Amy or Kim, I was out, in new territory with moms like me, moms with children who have special needs. Strangely enough I came down with a wicked cold just a couple days before attending and I wondered if that was my signal to stay put. See, honestly, I am a home body. I am capable of getting out but getting into real feelings for me is scary but still, I went. For the first time, I didn't have trepidation (except for the massage and maincure--which I participated in). It was good to be out. Out with moms who got it. They were moms of special needs. The ones who listened as doctors told us about diagnosis we wished we never encountered and the stories where we had to laugh about vacations gone wrong or well, just encountering life in a way we never imagined.

I shared.

I listened.

I thought.

Before I went in, I made a video blog about how I truly believe people are here to support us, to care for our children and to love them, for who they are, Differences and similarities alike.

Then I thought. In the last few days I had been facing a funk. My friend, the safe one, told me she had heard others were feeling funkified as well but for me I wondered if my funk was normal? I wondered if I was getting through yet another hurdle in my journey with a child who has autism. I questioned my other safe friend and she told me it was normal but still, I felt guilty.

I wondered.

Did I cause this?

Did I marry someone who my genetics and his caused this child to face struggles that I wished no child experienced?

What if I had married my high school sweetheart?

Would he and I have had children like Seraphina?

This week I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and I attributed them to the IEP. See, when IEP meetings occur I tend to overthink. I tend to take it all in and question all that has occurred in my life and wonder if it was something I did that caused this autism diagnosis to appear?

But what if?

I realized today as I sat with a group of women, I could question it. All of it? The genetics, the exposures, the foods, the vaccines but in the end, would questioning it change the diagnosis?


I have a choice. I can choose to continue to question or I can just be. I can choose to live.

So after tonight I realize, there is no need to question because questions won't change the answer. This IS the answer. It IS the life we have been given ant it is our choice to choose to make it all it can be or to spend time second guessing and questioning?

Today I have decided, I choose to get rid of the "What Ifs" and live with that "what we have" and I think that may just make life a little easier.


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