Dear Clare

Dear Clare,

Your namesake, she's screaming. She can't seem to control her emotions and she's out of control.

 I named her for you.

When I found out I was pregnant, Seraphina seemed perfect. An angel, like you.

I thought of how my oldest and how she related to you and how when you spoke with us your smile pushed deep into our soul and gave us a sense of peace.

This fifth child, this child who wasn't planned must be a gift. From you. To embrace life. To live life. To accept life. Completely.

This baby, this gift, this blessing, she's been different than I imagined.

I guess that is life.

I am certain you never expected to be dealt the cards you were and to have cancer and battle it when you were just a child.

LLLC.

Live Life Like Clare.

A child who lived with ferocity. A child who loved with her whole being. Can I live life like you? Can I be as positive? As ferocious? As willing to go as far as I can as you did? For my child? For your namesake?

I am certain Clare you continue to be a gift to me in Seraphina's being. I am certain your love is still present in her little arms as she grabs hold of my neck and squeezes me. While she lays next to me in the early hours of the morning I can sense your presence.

I don't believe in coincidence and I know you are present in our life daily. Through Seraphina. Through our own angel. Through your life that you lived with such grace.

Dear Clare,

I wish you were here. I wish your smile could be seen. I wish you could share with us your joy and passion for life.

I have no words to thank you for what you gave me in healing as an adoptee, in healing as a mother and in healing and accepting the cards life has dealt me.

I miss you Clare. I miss our "chair talks" where you giggled and smiled and embraced life. Fully. I can picture our last talk. I see you sitting in your big chair, a wisp of a child who still smiled through pain and sadness. I see you and wish I had told you how much you changed my life. For the better.

Dear Clare, please don't think that a moment goes by when you are not present in my life.

I miss you today, tomorrow and always.

XOXOX
Your Big Cousin
Ellie

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