Showing posts from September, 2016


I have NEVER been a fan of being out of control. Its something that must be ingrained within me. Its funny how that changes when you are handed a deck of cards you never expected and you are to manage them with as much strength as you can.

Recently I have felt out of control. I bundle my child up, brush her hair and send her on a bus. She takes it across town to school. There are LOVING individuals there. I am sure of it but while she is gone I am expected to have "me" time. When she is there I try. I try to work out but as I jump up and down trying to get fit, I wonder if they are meeting her needs. I wonder if she has speech. I wonder if she has OT. I wonder if she's making progress and I fall into this hole wishing I could control all that is her life. The way I have for three years.

I was gifted this book. I began reading it and the first chapter resonated deeply within me. A mom questioning to doctors, knowing that her child was different and begging for answers. A …

If I Could Know

Last week I began to get frustrated when I couldn't begin to understand what Seraphina was doing at school. It had been made clear in our individualized education plan that daily communication was necessary but I did not spell out WHAT I wanted to know and hear. Now I understand how important spelling it out is.

Thursday I sent a document that had some of the information I wanted communicated to me but did not include a comprehensive listing. I thought this might make the conversation at home easier. Though it had some information, I learned today its not acceptable and was given another document with some stars near the pictures of what Seraphina's day consisted of.

Never did I understand how much I would want to hear my child talk. Never did I understand what parents of non-verbal children went through and though I ache thinking about the fact I don't know what she is thinking, I am grateful. I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.

Today I sat and dried my hair afte…

Life Isn't Fair

I just served my 3 year old popcorn. Dinner is in the oven and I turned my 5 and 9 year old down moments before when they begged for a snack. "That's not FAAIIIIRRR" they both shouted almost in unison. You know what? Life isn't fair.

I remember being a young mom of two kids. I listened with sincere interest as an older mom at a MOPS meeting let me know she always kept it "fair" for her children so that there would be no jealousy or hard feelings. As an only child this made perfect sense to me and I carefully discussed it with others. It made sense to many of them too. With just two small children it seemed perfectly logical and I began trying to make life fair for my girls. If we went out and one child got something from the dollar bin, I made sure the other child did too (even if said child was only 6 months old). Fast forward a few years and I realize that I was doing them (and myself) a great disservice. Not only was I spending money I didn't need to …

Seven Steps to Honoring Your Friendship in a New Autism Diagnosis

Yesterday I sat in that haze again. I have kept myself busy. I enjoy the exercise I get in while my children are at school but I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I would like to because I am constantly wondering if my child is safe. I am constantly wondering how I can move her forward and provide her a life that will be fruitful and that will give her the amazing gifts that I can provide my typically developing child.
As I put my little ones to bed last night I reached out. Though I could have called and polled my friends there was a part of me that didn't want to talk about it but I did want the answers. I have been a part of an online mom group for years. I figured they may have some insight so I shared this post:
So this is so selfish but I am sitting here wishing I could pray Serrie to health I have had wine to be honest but I swear some days I just wish I knew what she was thinking. I am so grateful for all I have but there are moments I wish I knew. Is this normal? I wonde…

Friendship and Change...What I Learned In Our Autism Diagnosis

In the recent months I have learned a lot about friendship. There is lasting friendship that seems to endure. You find friends that will give you all of themselves. Unconditionally. There are friends you think will be those who see you through all the highs and lows until something mysteriously or not so mysteriously happens and you find that the once close friend just can't commit to that relationship anymore and they walk away. Then there is a third set of friends. These friends may have been thought of as acquaintances but due to your new low, they come out of the woodwork and support you like you never thought they would. In the last few months, I have lived all these friendships and each day I am still navigating these friendships and the changes that come with them today. I am mourning those close friendships that have changed and embracing those new friendships that are slowly (or sometimes quickly) blossoming.

This month, my youngest child headed off into school. I had NEVE…

Its Quiet

Since January 15, 2005, there has been noise. First with the arrival of our oldest and then through the years with her siblings joining the family. Motherhood has been the ONLY job I have ever truly wanted and I never thought about what I would do when I did not have little ones at my feet full time.

Today is the first day all five kids are in school for a portion of the day without my having commitments or appointments to be at. Its also the first day I had to get on the bus to secure a screaming child into a car seat to be driven away to school.

As I walked up the long, lonely driveway I began to remember the beginnings of my journey as a mom and wished I had relished in those moments more celebrating each day. For now, we have a new normal that doesn't feel nearly as good as the normal I had just one year ago.

To say Seraphina's diagnosis was a surprise, would be a lie. Perhaps her beginnings have had the marks of her life impacting others in ways one could never imagine si…

Remembering to Remember

This morning as I cleaned the bathroom I thought of September 11, 2001. I was thinking that many mothers may have been doing the same not knowing that day their own children, husbands, sisters, mother, aunts, uncles and wives may be lost. I thought about where I was at that time too. I had just graduated. I was just twenty-one and I was managing a hotel near the Great Lakes Naval Base. I remember seeing the helicopters go up before I really knew exactly what was going on and then I remember the phone calls from the base. Hold all rooms. Something major had happened and the rest of the day was a blur. It consisted of finding rental cars, finding hotel rooms, finding buddies for guests to drive home with, holding rooms, releasing rooms and preparing for what was going to be a change in our nation. Forever.

The sadness that lay over our country was pressing. It was overwhelming and it was something I had never experienced in life. Many of us had never felt this searing pain in our lives …

Some Say I Can't Do Yoga

A few years ago I was told I couldn't practice Yoga.

It was in my infancy of life...I was probably just nearing 30. As a fairly faithful Catholic, I was told practicing Yoga would take me away from my faith and the God I believed in.

How I have grown in seven years.

Yesterday I attended the most awesome practice of my life. I am still in my yoga infancy but I am further along than YMCA classes where I was certain that shavasana was my favorite pose and I was also fairly certain the only pose I ever wanted to do.

Yesterday though something churned within me as I watched others while they moved towards intermediate and advanced yoga moves and I tried to keep up with a little more than shavasana itself.

In the past few years I have tried a few different types of yoga. There was yoga on DVD, yoga on TV and "sound off yoga" last summer. All were great and caused me to want to practice more.

In my yoga practice while some pooh pooh my practice, I take time to think. I take tim…


God must have his plans laid out. To be honest, finding my faith in the last few months has been a challenge. As one friend put it, Satan is trying to step into any crevice he can find. And find cracks and craters he did.

Tomorrow morning, my oldest three will board the bus to school. I know where they are going. I know their teachers and I know the program and then I will come back and ready my youngest for a bus to arrive at our driveway.

Last week at our IEP, I was blown away by the ease of the situation. I was blown away by the kindness extended by the practitioners (especially the speech and O/T). I was blown away by the kindness of the secretaries and the principal but still I sit her after putting her to bed worried.

Six year ago, school looked different. It took place in my home and at my table. My first day we made peanut butter play doh. It wasn't one of my stellar moments but there were smiles and I knew they were safe.

Tomorrow, my not even 3 year old will board a bus …