A Visit to the Doctor

This morning I was up with the sun as I showered and headed off to take our only little man to the doctors. It was his "kindergarten" check up but alas, he isn't going because his behavior doesn't quite meet kindergarten standards. Before leaving he asked for an extra cuddle. I laid next to him taking in his sweet smell and remembering the birth of this amazing gift. His little floppy ear, his enormous blue eyes and the way he just was. He was our sweet, chubby boy who seemed perfect in every way. He was our family prince. Still is.

As we sat in the office, he and I, I read to him and thought of how this year has changed our life. All our lives. Its been incredible what one small hiccup can do to transition an entire family. I had no idea how one fairly common diagnosis could change us so much. The doctor came in and this defiant little one sat in my lap angrily answering every question as negatively as possible. She giggled alone with me as I shook my head and let her know Seraphina's diagnosis was changing us. All of us and we were seeing it in his behavior. With that, he broke down and began to cry. He explained that he wanted Seraphina to stop having autism so that we could go back to being a normal family and how he didn't want to go to school because he just wanted to be with mommy. Always.

My heart froze. Seraphina will NEVER stop having autism and though our goal is to utilize intervention and education to propel her as far as we can in life, I cannot change what is. I can however change how he perceives it all, or at least try.

I mentioned how hard I was trying but the doctor let me know I had to spend time with Jude. Just Jude. Jude and mom to help alleviate his sadness, anger and fears and allow him to grow through this hiccup that is not only impacting my life but his as well.

I hadn't realized how those minutes when I was tired from therapy that I pushed off a story time would actually be time for us to bond and so, once again, I am learning as a mom. This summer is going to be the summer of exhaustion for me. I will try to meet all their needs and in doing so it looks like I will be working overtime to try and help this little man's heart because when our children's hearts are happy, ours are as well.


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