Those Words

Words can mean so much. They can capture feelings felt, once felt or you hope to feel. They can also suck the wind out of your sails sending you into a place you never thought you would be.

In 2005, when Simone was born, she was different. After a couple months it was obvious she had sensory integration issues. At two months, Early On began a program and by age 3 when she went to preschool and they tested her, she did not qualify for further services. Though she still struggles at times, she's been able to mainstream well and has so much to offer in her life to others. For me, this was a struggle. As I tried to manage as a new mom, a mom with a husband in grad school and a mom living far from her parents, I adjusted learning to help her through what she needed and today, I would say she's thriving...especially after hearing she jumped from a cliff into a waterfall, tried a rock wall and enjoyed paddling herself in a kayak this weekend.

Friday though was another set of words that shook me to my soul. If you saw me this morning, my bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks and sunken sockets alert you to the fact those words are still something I am processing. Seraphina was in fact diagnosed as autistic. I am blessed. She's verbal. She's high functioning and she is young. I am still sad. Broken. I am mourning. I am mourning the last year that I anticipated having with my last child. At home. Alone. I am mourning the typical entrance into the Catholic School that my other children attend. I am mourning the friendships lost because we now have a child that is different.

I can put on a happy face. I am capable.

I know that I will be able to give her what she needs and will help her get to where she wants to go, but like a mom after a miscarriage, when I see a "typical life" a piece of me hurts.

Last night I finally acknowledged the feelings. A mom from school got me quietly at a party and asked "how are you really????" something no one else seemed to ask. How am I really? I am sad. I am broken. I am hurting. I feel like someone punched me in the gut. I feel like I am alone...

This cross isn't one I planned to carry. Like I simply tell others, these crosses we bear bring us closer to Jesus.

Today I try to renew who God created me to be. I draw in to Mary and think of how she knew what her Son faced and still she loved and supported him and I plan to do the same.

Those words I heard the other day shook me to the core. I am shaken and broken. I am going to be a different person now. That is okay. Those words are helping create who He wants me to be.

So if you see me in the next few days, a bit shattered, disheveled or a little unnerved, bear with me...those words have given me a chance to create a new me...a new beginning a new life.


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