Learning and Life

Its the last day of school and this year has been a doozy. Such a doozy that I almost missed seeing the girls off and getting what they needed for their last day. I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. In that exhaustion I am growing, changing and realizing so much about the gift we call life. This year hasn't just been a journey for my kids (which it has), its also been a major change for me. Two of my kids lost dear friends mid-year to school change. Their resilience astounds me and what is more, their determination to remain friends impresses me. I had momentary lapse of sanity and decided because I was too weak to stand for my beliefs that I would yank those kids and go to public school even though my belief was that our school actually NEEDS more Catholic Faith. Our Cecily lost her opportunity to continue in gymnastics due to time and money and I realized that though I loved the coach, team and parents, I had to do what was best for our family. We also came to the realization that we have a new normal, we have a road with a few speed bumps as our youngest was officially diagnosed as Autistic...something I have thought true since a year ago next week. This school year brought learning in the classroom as my oldest clung to her teacher and will probably speak of her for years to come. It brought understanding as my middle realized I specifically asked for a teacher and I learned that this teacher was more than a teacher in the classroom that her passion for faith and family went far beyond the school day...and of course I continued to grow in my bond with my first graders teacher. Oh and the wee boy? He went from LEAVING school to asking why he can't go on the weekends?

This year has been one of true growth and change. For the kids, yes, but for the momma as well.

I have finally decided that as an adult I want to be who I want my kids to be,and if that means stepping out of my comfort zone and doing what is right even when it feels wrong? I have to do it.

I have stopped worrying about stepping on toes and decided that I will be who I am called to be, stomping, stepping or dancing about to get what is important done.

I have also been able to share my fear of being accepted and decided that I don't need to be accepted to be who I am supposed to be. I guess that is part of my root sin of pride.

Each day is still a journey, a new path.

This year has been incredibly humbling. I have realized that I am a flight momma when it comes to confrontation and instead of standing up for what is right, I am willing to run when the going gets tough. Its easier and to be honest, I like easy. I have also learned with the right support I can stand up, even when my legs are shaky and cower back into school and admit I made a mistake in pulling my kids for one hot minute.

I also realize that for me, family is first and as much as I want to give and do for all, sometimes doing for the whole is better that focusing on one in the long run. I realize that the choice to have a "bigger" family at a younger age on one income is something that impacts us. Having to make the decision to pull my child from gymnastics for the best for the family has been emotionally and mentally draining. I still watch the videos and wish I could have her there. I have a huge case of mom guilt and wish more than anything that I could change it but I also realize that in her transition she has learned so much about doing what is best not what feels good.

And the greatest thing I have learned is that God has this. I just have to ride the wave. I have seen it daily in my interactions with my children. I have seen it in retrospect as I look at the way this year has panned out.

We chose to stay at school after support from some of the kindest people. The families and teachers within the school have been nothing but supportive for this new journey with Seraphina. We chose to pull Cecily from gymnastics due to time and cost but once I did, I was able to realize that Seraphina did in fact have autism. I was able to quiet my voice and hear His words in adoration at our retreat when I hesitated in getting more opinions on Seraphina and moving forward to get her help. God had his hand in all of this. I finally stopped and learned to listen to God instead of listening to myself and though it hasn't all been rainbows and butterflies, I have seen the rainbows and butterflies in each moment and each day.

The school year has ended but this summer has more to offer. New experiences, new understandings and ways to grow our family emotionally, spiritually and otherwise. This summer has opportunities to teach our children about putting the child that needs the most help first and for me...this is continued learning in our great life.

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