So Many Thoughts

Yesterday we had our first intake and also our doctors visit confirming that "yes" Seraphina is in fact unique and needs to be evaluated further. They are leaning towards a child that is "high functioning autistic" or "selectively mute".

I am a pretty talkative person. I believe in being open because I feel so many of us would benefit from honesty and sharing with others. I know this isn't right for everyone and many people are private individuals.

Putting it out there, not just talking to friends about my concerns was the admission I needed to free myself from this internal struggle. When I posted photos of what my crazy 2 year old was doing, many understood but in reality that was the "little" stuff. The last few months have been overwhelming and exhausting. I am constantly at watch and wondering when I get a break. I know, parenting has no break but when you are "on" all the time you become tired.

Today I am feeling relief and a bit of sadness and anxiety.

First, relief. I am not crazy. Okay, maybe I am...but my mommy intuition was not working overtime and I was right. I am also relieved we have services today and children who are differently abled are no longer looked down upon or shunned. I am grateful that those who I have called are all being supportive. I am grateful that a diagnosis isn't a death sentence. I am grateful that she talks (when she wants) and that she's showing signs of being incredibly bright. I am grateful Early Intervention has been so responsive. I am grateful I am married and have a husband who allows me to stay home so I can give her what she needs. I am grateful my children were well behaved and are in tune with what is going on without my telling them everything. I am just plain grateful.

I am also a little overwhelmed and sad.

I am sad that she may go to school in September, ending my "baby" stage with a little one at home all the time. I am sad that things may be more difficult for her. I am sad that I don't have control. I am sad that this path is veering in a different way than I anticipated.

I am also excited.

Yes. Excited.

I am excited that perhaps I will learn more about children, psychology, development and behavior. I am excited that maybe I may learn that I am truly called to do something different in my parenting or my life. I am excited that she is a cuddly child who does as to be held. I am excited that I am able to teach her to sign and play.

Right now I have so many thoughts going through my head. This list is just a little bit. My mind has been racing and I can't seem to stop. Now I have to learn to wait and listen for "His" time to tell me where to go and what to do next.

I know I am not alone and I won't be the last mom to feel this way but maybe, like the moms who have been helping me in the last few days, I will someday be a help to others.....

Peace and Prayer to all...I will update when I can...and keep your eyes open on my piece will be posted :)


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