Learning to Lean on My Village

Kudos to parents who deal with kids that are not traveling down the typical path. This last week has only given me a whirlwind understanding of what its like to balance your children, your home, your own emotions and understanding of when things don't follow the path you expect.

First the phone calls. All done while worrying and trying to pretend you feel great. The hours spent with calls to and from Early Intervention, Pediatricians, Developmental Pediatricians and insurance truly has me spent. I am grateful I am home. I can take the time, when I have it and when I need it to reach out to those who need my attention.

Then there is the time you spend at the doctor's offices. You listen. You write. You ask questions. Then you try to decode, detect and understand.

Its been overwhelming.

We still do NOT have a concrete diagnosis and for a Type A personality, like myself this is just about driving me insane. I like to understand, take the bull by the horns and do. I want to do what I can, when I can, as fast as I can.

My husband and my dear friend always say "in His time". I know they are right but its so hard for me.

Today the feelings came to a head. It was the Mother's Day Tea at my little son's preschool. This week we also made the decision to hold him another year in Pre-K. While I wanted to move him on, I knew it was best to keep him where they recommended, in this amazing teachers class working on gaining self-confidence and emotional independence. I couldn't wait for today to see his songs, to hear his little voice and I was excited because unlike Christmas HE was excited to perform.

We arrived. I knew that I could just pack Seraphina into my baby carrier and we could enjoy the morning focusing on Jude. How I was wrong.

As we left the car, she ended up on the ground. A wonderfully kind and loving mom comforted me as we went to walk in. Then two older ladies asked "what was wrong?". I heard myself say, Seraphina is being looked at for autistic tendencies and at that moment it was more real than the phone calls earlier this week. I was heartbroken.

I knew I had to pick it up and step up so rounded the bend into the school and her fits grew. She screamed and yelled and I wrestled her into the baby carrier as I left the building. Crying. Two more moms, friends, stopped, patted my shoulder and told me it would be alright. In that moment, nothing felt right.

I finally had her calmed. As she self-soothed making a humming noise we went in. There he was. His blue eyes wide with excitement. His hand outstretched and his smile beaming. He handed me the most beautiful carnation and immediately pulled me in to his table. He gently took my hand, squeezed lotion on it and gave me a "hand massage". She was soothing, he was beaming and it was good. Then she started. Just as the kids were to begin their songs, she lost it. Again. I headed into the hall to calm her and ran into some of my favorite 3 year old momma's. They smiled knowingly and I tried to hold it together. The wonderful aide from the other classroom to let me know they were singing and I was missing it and heartbroken I knew. This was my new normal.

I was thankful. Thankful my friends were in there with him. Thankful that my friends videoed him and sent me the videos and thankful I could see him sing. For the first time. Ever.

I tried again but after a moment or two as she swatted the lemonade out of my hand I knew it was time for my exit. I went. I think he enjoyed it as he was doted on and consumed 4 cupcakes and who knows how many cookies and chocolate covered strawberries. My dear friends stopped as they saw me sobbing in my car and for the first time I was angry. I felt it wasn't fair.

Thankful my friends took my sweet boy to my car and after a few smiles from both he and his "wife"...more on that another day, he was whisked away to his favorite place.

I realized today as I sobbed and had so many people check on me, its time to allow the village to help. I know the next few weeks and months will bring appointments, doctors visits and tons of paperwork and to be honest, I am not sure how it will all pan out.

I also know that no matter what, I am not alone, and no, I am not just talking about God. I am talking about EVERY ONE of you that has reached out. Called. Texted. Messaged. Emailed. Smiled or patted me on the shoulder. I am not strong because of anything I have done but because of you. I truly appreciate it...and I hope one day I can be the friend that takes the extra child, calls, emails, texts, pats on the shoulder and listens to someone cry. This life, this journey isn't always easy but it is easier when we know we are not alone.


Popular posts from this blog

About that Baby

To Be or Not To Be...Politically Correct

Don't Press Send