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Showing posts from May, 2016

A Moment to Breathe

I am taking a "break" from posting on Facebook. So often I am caught up in sharing what is going on and watching what is going on, I am overwhelmed. This break, unlike others will not include my getting rid of an account or creating a new account...this break is a little different.

This break will allow me to continue to watch. I love seeing photos of friends, especially those far away. I love catching up on family, and they are ALL far away. This break will however allow me to keep moments where I shouldn't speak to myself. This break is allowing me to grow as myself instead of concerning myself what others think of me.

Since beginning my "break" I have prayed when I had thoughts that may not be so nice. This is good. This break, I have been able to take in what is going on in my surroundings and begin to understand it for me and for my family. This break has allowed me to focus on the gifts that are constantly in my life but I am constantly overlooking.

One g…

Good Books

This morning as I woke, my tiny tot jumped down and immediately began searching for yet another rosary to break. I think we must have 30 rosaries in the house. She's managed to find and break nearly half. As I snuggled in next to two of my kids I bellowed for my husband to take her. I needed a few minutes with my older children.

In the last few weeks ALL my attention, mental, physical and emotional has been spent on Serrie. I have felt I can "fix" whatever this is that is "plaguing" her and I have gone through a myriad of emotions from feelings of relief, understanding and acceptance, anger, jealousy and pure stubbornness that this isn't happening.

Yesterday I shared my feelings of jealousy. I thought about the kids at the zoo. I thought about my cousins children developing in a traditional fashion and while I can easily say I am grateful the diagnosis isn't one that is more severe, will potentially kill her or cause a life of sorrow and pain, I am stil…

Momentary Sadness

Today I had the blessing of traveling with my 1st grader and her class on a field trip. I was really excited. Excited for me. Excited for her and excited for my husband to have time with the littles ALL BY HIMSELF. He was taking them to Crayola and it seemed like it was going to be the perfect day.

The bus ride was almost comical, with a healing tailbone and a three seater, I was carefully buckled in on the end watching my two little cherubs excitedly await their anticipated event at the zoo. As we pulled up I gave directions to my little group and we headed in lathering up with sunscreen to beat the warm rays that flooded the area with beauty this week.

We began our journey into the Zoo, and at first I was struck my my keen eye for women expecting. How I longed to have that joy of a roly poly baby growing within. I longed for those late night feedings, those sweet baby snuggles and the new baby smell I can vividly remember from my years with my own infants.

Then, I saw the strollers.…

Holding Out Hope

That it is just a speech delay and wondering if some of the other behaviors are just because she's frustrated. I am pretty sure that it may not be the case but today was a day of major talking for her. I was elated as we visited with a friend and she talked about chickens, stroked a baby's hair and identified him as "cute cute cute". She also asked for milk. She STILL had her major tantrums that tend to tire me to the core but I saw peeks of "PERRRRRFECT" as she says.

Sometimes for me I find the waiting game to be the biggest challenge. I am one that is Type A and likes to have everything buttoned up. If in fact she IS "high functioning autism"--they don't say Asperger's Syndrome anymore, then by all means, get that diagnosis and sign that kid up for all the therapy you can find. If its a language delay, by all means, identify it, and sign that kid up for all the therapy you can find. Today, the lovely woman at the developmental pediatrici…

Mother's Retreat

This year's Mother's Retreat had me reeling. In honesty, I didn't want to go. I felt off with one of my closest friends and couldn't put my finger on it. I wanted to run and hide. This friend who I see now as a sister pushed me to my limits and for good reason. She must have known God would be pushing me now.

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. First, I pray she's okay, then I witness a child the same age and know in my heart that the next doctor will only confirm the first two physician's findings. Still, I hold out hope.

I have been crying. Like a baby. I have been lamenting the loss of Mother's Day Tea's, little voices talking to me in the car and the thought of so much.

I have been rejoicing in the support. In the fact there is so much unknown and that she is in fact verbal (when she wants) and can make eye contact (when she wants) and is cuddly (when she wants).

Today as I belted out the songs that each mom picked to go with their talk,…

A Little Hope

Yesterday, I mentioned we don't have a final diagnosis as we are waiting to get into the specialist. Yesterday was a day filled with sadness. I found tears at every turn and just saying the word "preliminary diagnosis" seemed to send me into a crushing tailspin.

Today is a new day. Today as I drove out to gather supplies to make sensory bottles for my sweet Serrie, I sobbed listening to the song my dearest friends chose for my Mother's Retreat talk. How it spoke to me then but now how it shouted at me and reminded me that THIS is our life. This is our path. We are all broken. We are all called to carry each other in our weakness and in the last few days so many have reached out and carried me.

This morning I took each of my older kids aside and asked them what they understood of the appointments that we had this week. I was in awe. The oldest, took the bull by the horns letting me know she's here. She's willing to help and she wants to see her sister succeed.…

Learning to Lean on My Village

Kudos to parents who deal with kids that are not traveling down the typical path. This last week has only given me a whirlwind understanding of what its like to balance your children, your home, your own emotions and understanding of when things don't follow the path you expect.

First the phone calls. All done while worrying and trying to pretend you feel great. The hours spent with calls to and from Early Intervention, Pediatricians, Developmental Pediatricians and insurance truly has me spent. I am grateful I am home. I can take the time, when I have it and when I need it to reach out to those who need my attention.

Then there is the time you spend at the doctor's offices. You listen. You write. You ask questions. Then you try to decode, detect and understand.

Its been overwhelming.

We still do NOT have a concrete diagnosis and for a Type A personality, like myself this is just about driving me insane. I like to understand, take the bull by the horns and do. I want to do wha…

So Many Thoughts

Yesterday we had our first intake and also our doctors visit confirming that "yes" Seraphina is in fact unique and needs to be evaluated further. They are leaning towards a child that is "high functioning autistic" or "selectively mute".

I am a pretty talkative person. I believe in being open because I feel so many of us would benefit from honesty and sharing with others. I know this isn't right for everyone and many people are private individuals.

Putting it out there, not just talking to friends about my concerns was the admission I needed to free myself from this internal struggle. When I posted photos of what my crazy 2 year old was doing, many understood but in reality that was the "little" stuff. The last few months have been overwhelming and exhausting. I am constantly at watch and wondering when I get a break. I know, parenting has no break but when you are "on" all the time you become tired.

Today I am feeling relief and a…

A Little Bump

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I am sitting watching my fifth born. She is the one that surprised us all shortly after the passing of my dear cousin Clare. She bolted into life without waiting for anyone (doctor's included). She's adorable. She is sweet and she's different.

About 3 months ago, we made the decision to pull our second born from competitive gymnastics. There were a number of reasons but one was that I felt I was maybe "missing" something in my wee one's life. She was not speaking nearly as much as her older siblings and the daily fights with clothes, food and eye contact where overwhelming. I was certain with some time. Dedicated time, I could turn this right around.

In April, we visited my parents and with my mom's experience in special education I tried to pinpoint WHAT was different and HOW I could fix it. At home. Alone. Like my blog post on pride and clutter...I needed that perfect life.

Yesterday I made the decision to say it out loud. Those concerns I held deep wit…

Mother's Day

Its Mother's Day, a holiday when there is so much to celebrate. To start, Mary, the Mother of all Mother's. The one who said yes to everything that seemed wrong. First, carrying a child as a virgin.  A single mother, without a husband. Second, a mother who raised a son with strong convictions and reasons to spread the Good News. What trust she had and third, a mother who said good-bye to the infant she carried, nurtured and gave for us to live.

I think for me, personally, Mary exemplifies everything I am not and everything I did wrong but everything I hope to one day be. First, a mother, who says "yes". When we found out we were pregnant with our first. It all seemed wrong. Graduate school. A new house. One income. A baby??????  Really????  It wasn't time. I fought it with drawn out plans to be back at work within six weeks and eventually have a nanny and parent as little as possible.

Then, there was the second child, the child I really decided I wanted...after I…