In The Beginning

Tonight I read my kids the Bible. Okay, the kids bible, but it shared the story of Adam and Eve and the Creation of the world and so I thought, after a weekend away rediscovering my mothering journey, why not take a few moments to begin what I hope to be my new outlet. My place. My personal journal of my Messy Blessy Life.

For the past 4 years I have had the gift of attending a Mother's Retreat. One year, I attended this retreat swollen with my youngest in my womb. I felt her little rumbles as I listened, prayed and contemplated life. I thought THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY CALLING.

Then, she was born.

It wasn't pretty.

There were beeps, and alarms.

There were doctors and nurses.

There was medication and they took her.

First from my arms.

Then from my room.

The last delivery, it wasn't pretty.

I thought I was done.

I really did.

Until recently, when that ever present desire to create life came rearing its ugly head and I wondered if I could ever find out who I am without being pregnant, without being a mom...of infants.

This weekend, after much trepidation. some discord and a lot of "I don't want to go there", I helped to work on and create a Mother's Retreat for our Parish. It was my third time on team and while I love the women on team, SOMETHING, SOMEONE, LIFE...was calling me from my calling to minister to others this weekend.

As the weekend continued, I realized what I was running from. I realized what I didn't want to admit. I realized what that quiet reflection would bring, a new beginning.

This weekend for the first time, I admitted, we are done. I sobbed at Jesus' feet begging him to allow me just one more little life to hold within me. I asked for one more opportunity to be pregnant. I pleaded for one more chance to deliver a blessing from him.

Then, I was quiet.

I heard him.

I heard him not in His voice, but in my own Husband's.

As I read my "connecting home", I witnessed my husband's words reminding me that now, right now, as I say good bye to this chapter, that our father, Jesus, is carrying me. Like the poem Footprints, as I reel with anxiety and anticipation over this new beginning, Jesus is walking. He is carrying me. He is holding me because I can't hold myself anymore.

Motherhood is a gift. Its a special gift and those who know me, know and understand that I never thought I would have 5 kids running through my house at break neck speed, licking windows, breaking toys and finding mischief between them. Motherhood has called me for the last 11 years to nurture within my body, through pregnant and nursing and now, this weekend, I realize, there is a new beginning.

Follow me on this journey as I try to figure out just where I am going and how I fit in and what my life has in store for the person I thought I was in my new beginning.

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